Hollow Words _ III
The letters I never sent you, and never will.
It was the April of 2017 and just like that, I had ended my relationship of 7 years.
There are no details to spare if only to clarify that I found myself having no choice at all. Have you ever heard the story of that American hiker who found himself in a canyon with his arm stuck under a huge rock; how after a few days hoping for someone to find him, he had to chop his arm off in order to escape and survive? Well, that sums it up pretty much.
Being the ridiculous romantic I’ve always been (and adding a dash of everpresent mental health issues), I found myself with a case of “phantom limb syndrome” and in a perpetual state of aftershock (is that a thing?). After the breakup, I was broken and devastated, but somehow still had so much to say (or scream) to his face. Just like this, I started to write him a letter every night to lull my thoughts away before bed. 33 letters I would never send.
I decided to leave them here, as my one last act of release. (The last part).
Day XXIII. Hi, sometimes I don’t feel anything at all. I miss talking to you, but I don’t miss the way I felt the last week we spent together. A black hole in my chest, and salt on my lips. But now, now there’s nothing inside of me. For now.
Day XXIV. Hi, once upon a time, you used to say I was one of a kind. I remember your eyes when your dad would skip his breath. When it stopped… And when only the two of us were left on his grave. I only asked to be a sparkle of life for you.
Day XXV. Hi, how strange life can be.
Day XXVI. Hi, I think I still love you. Maybe I will love you forever somehow. Maybe you’ll never understand what it means. But I love you.
Day XXVII. Hi, maybe for me you’ll always be you. There isn’t another name for me, for you. Is the name I gave you, and mine is the one you gave me. Don’t toss it aside, don’t waste it, it’s ours to cherish. Wherever we are.
Day XXVIII. Hi, I believe you live of nostalgia. You claim to be living day by day, but way too often you live with the volume too low. You fall in love with the present only when it’s already past. So you live of nostalgia.
Day XXIX. Hi, now I know, you will never be able to forget. Perhaps, even with your last breath, you’ll think of me.
Day XXX. Hi, maybe YOU are the one who lost. You, accepting things as they come, whatever life brings. You, never fighting. You let me go. Like you let go of everything.
Day XXXI. Hi, you monster. That’s what you are. Captor and abuser. How long did you relish making a joke out of me? Were you laughing? Were you thinking of me all the time? Stupid little F. You disgust me and I pray no one is to be your victim ever again. You piece of… I don’t care, not anymore. Get married. Throw yourself off the city walls. I don’t care. Today I was dying in my bed, I felt my whole body breaking apart and all I wanted was to scream. But the reality is, today was nothing compared to years of psychological torture and abuse. Remember, you get to have only one extraordinary woman in your life…
Day XXXII. Hi, trampled on the ground without breath. Your words decaying my wounds and swallowing me whole. “Noone forces you to stay here.” “ Noone pays you.” “You’re full of problems you’ll never solve.” “You never let go of us.” “You live in the past.” “I’m not yours I’m free”. “You were the centre of my universe”… Please leave me here where you discarded me. Have mercy and honour my death. I have no more tears or blood to shed. My words are sails of ships adrift, torn by the wind. I can do nothing else but flatten and melt with the ground. I wait for the storm to wash away my illusions and for the thunder to call me from lethe. My bones of stone, my nails as roots and leaves for hair. A sigh that is sealed, a spell that is a dream in this night of midsummer where I am no more.
Day XXXIII. Hi, die. From tonight every fragment, every particle of the magic I’ve given you abandons your life. You, rotted and corrupted to the bone. You who tried to kill my light. I wish you to be happy. I wish she or some others will give you what you want. But I hope you’ll never regret it, or you’ll have found true hell. Nothing hurts like losing love. From tonight you’re slowly dying.
And that is really all. This was the last part of three. Thank you for reading and staying with me while howling at the moon.
It was strange reading words from a version of me that was so broken yet so brave. Now I’m someone else, grateful for all the pain and strength it took to get where I am now.
(Gif by me federicammicheli.com)
